I kinda miss the way we used to be.

Idk how we are now.. it’s fine.. it’s lovely and fun..

but I miss a few things.

and i’m probably not the one for you.

i sometimes wonder, if i’m gone, would you even miss me. and would you even try to make us work again. or would you just give up just like that, like how you always act like you can.

you were holding back all this time… when i was giving you everything and every bit of me. i gave you everything i had. if you weren’t ready to give me your all, you should have told me at the beginning. it’s not fair. lol it’s a joke. it’s a joke for me that i gave you everything while all this time you held back. you should have let me know. so that i wouldn’t have had fallen so hard for you.

it’s not fair to me.

and you fucking wonder why you hurt me so often. you always say i think it’s all about me, and it’s not. i’m trying to understand you but you won’t let me. you won’t talk to me. you say it’s personal and push me away.

thanks for pushing me away while i was here giving you my all.

you should have let me known.

i’m so done with falling so hard for you and falling for every little thing about you. i’m done with you pushing me away and getting hurt.

i won’t love you as i did before anymore. i don’t want to fall for it again. not until i feel safe to. not until i see that you’re ready to.

because up until now, and it’s been a full year with you, you’ve never been ready to love me like i love you.

i feel like you’ve disappeared forever and it’s only been a couple of hours.

Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing, you fuckin’ shit face. Mind your own business and get the fuck out of mine.

I don’t like having to tell you that I don’t want you to go out and do those things but it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. We both disagree on this subject. I feel like we’ll never agree or come to a solution. I’ve never been the type to think about drinking or smoking, never.

To be honest though, thinking about you doing all those things drives me to the edge of a cliff. That’s how I feel. I feel like giving in sometimes because it hurts me when I hear that you want to do those things. It hurts me that bad, that I feel like disappearing and giving in to those things. Have you ever thought about how it would feel like if the tables were turned around?

I’ve always stood strong when it comes to drinking and drugs. But I’ve realized, you make me feel weak.

I don’t wanna give in. I just wish you wouldn’t choose temporary solutions over actual solutions in the long run.

Truthfully, I’ve always seen people who use those things as weak people. Mentally, weak. Just because you can’t handle a current situation you’re in, doesn’t mean you should chose a temporary solution over working on coming to an actual solution. It’s outrageously idiotic. Fucking, stupid. You (and I’m not only talking about you because I’m addressing all fucking idiots) may seem strong and tough, and like you don’t give a single fuck on the outside,

but in the inside, you’re just fucked up and a horrifying mess. Learn to suck it up, it’s called life. Deal with it without using shortcuts and easy way outs, because honestly, there is no easy way out in the long run. You work your ass for everything, no matter how hard it is. That also means talking anything out with your partner when something is bugging you. Don’t fucking brush it off.

I’m your girlfriend. You’re in a relationship. There’s someone else in your life now. I’m supposed to be a part of your life, I’m your partner. What you do to the people you love is what counts.

 I just wish…you weren’t into all of that. I know I can’t change you. I just wish…really wish, you weren’t.

Haven’t been on this blog for a while.

I am bothered by the fact that you won’t tell me some things sometimes. It bugs me when you ask someone what’s wrong, and they tell you, “nothing.”

If you’re gonna lie to me, at least make an effort to make it believable.

Don’t fucking give me a small clue and leave me hanging off of a cliff like that.

People who leave in the middle of something like that have absolutely no consideration for the other person involved. It makes the other person worry and feel sick to their stomach because they don’t know what the hell is wrong. Especially when that person is your partner, they care about you, they’re in love with you, don’t effing leave them hanging there with absolutely no clue on what the hell is wrong with you.

These words are replaying over and over in my head.